


Past Me is Really Annoying

by RandomFujoshi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Almost-Smut, F/M, M/M, Menma!, Naruto is the Hokage, Post-War, Sasuke is so fucking WOLA, Sasuke is the husband, Teasing, The genin 9 - Freeform, Time Travel, but dont, like wtf, lol, nope - Freeform, read it, tags?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-05 12:28:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomFujoshi/pseuds/RandomFujoshi
Summary: Sasuke is teleported back in time along with his son Menma.Fluff, smut, humor.Don't read it because it's shit (i get it) but i had thisidea for a while so YOLO(kill me pls like hlp)





	1. Sai, use a condom next time

Sasuke drug his feet as he got out of bed.  _Dobe, my ass hurts like crazy_ , he thought to himself. He put some underwear on,  _slowly_ , and walked to the kitchen quietly. He didn’t want to wake the dobe up. His ass hurt, but the sex  _was_  good so he couldn’t be too pouty. Naruto had a long mission today so he needed his rest.

As Naruto snored and rolled around their bed, Sasuke made grilled fish, rice, and miso soup for breakfast. Sasuke would never admit it, but he loved moments like this.

Naruto, fast asleep, while he cooked breakfast and wore revealing clothes just for the initial shock Naruto will get from seeing him like that. 

He loved it when Naruto rambled on about his dreams from the previous night, while stuffing his face and telling Sasuke how good the food is and how good the sex was.  

He loved it when Naruto didn’t ask about his dreams on mornings he looked sleepless, but instead cuddled with him for an hour or carried him on his back.

He loved the way Naruto woke up late sometimes and would be in such a rush he forgot to say ‘I love you’ before leaving, just to come home and apologize  _over_  and  _over_  again, kissing up to him all day.

Sasuke loved stuff like that, but again, he’d never admit it. He didn’t want people to think that just because he’s  _gay_ , he has to be soft. He wanted people to see him, see  _them_  as strong, loyal ninja’s who’d do anything to protect their village and its people. 

Naruto yawned as he walked into the kitchen. “Gosh, Sasuke, this smells great!”, Naruto said pulling Sasuke into a hug from behind. “Move usurantonkachi!”, Sasuke yelled, “I’m trying to make tea, dobe!”. Naruto backed up and smiled heavily.

“All right, all right!”, Naruto said, holding his hands up in surrender. “You need to get dressed and get ready before you leave at 1:00. I’ll pack your bag, since you always forget the  _important_ stuff”, Sasuke added, playfully rolling his eyes.

“You pack a bag full of ramen, lube, and underwear  _one_  time and everyone thinks your irresponsible!”, Naruto said sitting at the table. “We had a group mission and you had to use my stuff! Not only that, but packing lube gave Sai hell of ammunition and opportunities for ‘gay’ jokes”, Sasuke added as he sat down their plates on the table.

“You weren’t complaining when it came time to use it, in fact you were  _begging_  me to use it!”, Naruto said laughing. Sasuke’s cheeks flushed a crimson red.  “Shut up and eat, dobe!”, Sasuke said grouching. 

Naruto looked up from his plate and smiled the damn near most s _eductive_ smile a face can make. “You know my mission doesn’t start until one, so we have plenty of time to see how well that lube works”, he added licking his lips. 

If Sasuke was red before, he was purple now! “Sh-shut up! My ass still hurts from last night, a-and Ino’s coming over with Menma (the NaruSasu child) at 11!”, Sasuke said as he continued to eat. Naruto just leaned forward more, maintaining that shit-eating grin.

“I could always eat you out, or give you a little head before Ino and Menma gets here. I know you won’t answer directly, so don’t say anything if you want me to; I could make your ass feel a lot better  _Sasuke_ ”, Naruto added, seductively.  

Sasuke was completely silent.

Naruto smiled. He loved moments like this, when Sasuke’s face told him  _all_  he needed to know. Right now it was saying “ _Just eat my ass already dobe! I’m not stopping you!”._ Gosh, Sasuke was cute.

Naruto pretended to drop his napkin, adding a ‘ _whoops’_. He crawled under the table, passing by the napkin. Sasuke’s legs were  _trembling_ _,_  as Naruto moved closer and closer. He almost  _moaned_  when he felt Naruto’s breath against his thin boxers. 

Naruto grinned, although Sasuke couldn’t see that. He began tugging at the waistband of Sasuke’s underwear with his teeth. 

Sasuke lifts up his butt slightly, to aid Naruto in removing his underwear. His boxers are on the ground next to him, and Naruto spreads Sasuke’s legs. Naruto smirks. Sasuke is completely hard, even leaking with pre-cum. 

Naruto is bringing his mouth, and skillful tongue, to Sasuke’s ass.

**_RING RING RING_ **

The doorbell interrupts the couples  _rendezvous._ Sasuke glares at the door, and looks back to Naruto (who’s tongue is still out). Sasuke groans. He was  _this_  close to having his ass eaten, and Naruto does it good.

“Get up dobe”, Sasuke says rolling his eyes. Naruto frowns. “But  _Sasuke_ , we can pretend to not be here. Let me finish, then we can answer the door later!”. Sasuke glares at him too.

**_RING RING RING_ **

He slides his underwear up, and Naruto (with a very pouty face) gets up also. Sasuke walks up to the door, forgetting he is literally  _only_  wearing a tight pair of boxers.

“Hey Sas- _woAH_ ”, Ino manages to get out, eyes darted towards the  _obvious_  morning wood bulging from Sasuke’s boxers. Her face turned red, as she covered Menma’s eyes.

Sasuke looked down, noticing his hard-on. His face flushed. “S-sorry Ino! I was in the middle of something before you came”, he said brushing it down, hoping it will go away.

“No that’s um, entirely my fault. It’s just that Kiba told me the wrong time for our Vacation Mission so they are leaving in 10 minutes and I need to go”, she said rushed. “Also, Sakura told me to ask you if you wanted to go on a date with her”.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, as he grabbed Menma’s hand. “No”.  Menma smiled, jumping up and down. “Mama, your hair is all crazy!”, Menma said, pointing to Sasuke’s ‘Morning After Rough Sex’ hair. He felt his hair, then ruffled Menma’s.

“Hey, no fair”, Menma said pouting playfully. Sasuke bent down to the younger boy and smiled. “Well now your hair looks crazy to. Also, isn’t someone’s birthday next week?”, Sasuke said pretending not to know who.

“Mine! It’s mine!”, Menma shouted. “I can’t remember who it is. I guess I’ll have to give them a card instead of that really cool kunai set with the steel tips”, Sasuke fake-sighed. “IT’S MINE MAMA! IT’S MMY BIRTHDAY!”, Menma shouted, trying to get Sasuke’s attention.

Sasuke gave in. “Okay! Now go inside and talk to dobe before he has to head out for a mission”, Sasuke whispered to Menma. He ran inside, leaving his bag for Sasuke to carry in.

“PAPA!!!!”. Sasuke smiled as he picked up the bag.

_Damnit, I love my life._

**Later That Day 3:00 pm**

_Fuck my life_.

Sasuke was so annoyed right now, because he’d finally managed to get Menma to go to sleep so he could ‘take care of’ his boner from that morning.

He was sitting in his bed, hand in his underwear, ready to ‘release’. He was looking at a nude Naruto gave him, as a joke to get Sasuke to ‘loosen up more’. Too bad that photo was fucking  _hot_.

**_RING RING RING_ **

The person at his door was persistent as hell. Sasuke finally got out of bed, saying obscenities. He opened the door, to see Sai standing there, along with his son Inojin.

“No”, he said shutting the door. He already knew Sai was going to ask him to babysit Inojin, but the child had a habit for opening portals and conjuring ink beast in his home. 

**_RING RING RING_ **

Menma walked into the living room, rubbing his eyes. “Mama the doorbell is loud, answer it”.

Sasuke mentally screamed, before opening the door once more. “Inojin promises to not conjure any ink beast or other dimensions in your home, and hey little one”, Sai said spotting Menma.

Menma’s sleepiness quickly disappeared as he saw Inojin. He jumped up and down, tugging on Sasuke’s shirt sleeve. “INOJIN’S HERE MAMA! I WANNA SHOW HIM MY NEW HAIR CLIP, A-AND THE POSTERS MAMA!  _THE POSTERS_!”.

He had no choice. “Fine, Inojin come in, but I don’t want any funny business so stay away from the kitchen and my room. Tell me before you two leave the house if you decide to go anywhere so I- “. Sasuke was interrupted. “Can send a shadow clone. Don’t close the door if you go in Menma’s room because I don’t want you two to get curious and ‘fool around’. No sparring in the house, and finally, don’t touch my stuff”, Inojin said finishing Sasuke’s statement.

Sasuke sighed the motioned for Sai to leave. 

“My birthday is next week Inojin! The Uncle Kakashi-sama said he was going to come! Well, he’ll probably be late but he’s coming!”, Menma said enthusiastically. Inojin smiled. “It’s improper to call the Hokage by his name Menma”.

“That isn’t the point Inojin! I’m turning six years old next week! My mama and daddy are going to buy me those super cool brand new Kunai set with the steel tips! And the whole village is having a festival!”.

“That’s cool Menma, that’s cool. Now show me those posters you kept bugging your Second Father about”.

“Sasuke-san is my mom Inojin!”

“Fathers are male; mothers are female”

“But I have two male parents and Sasuke-san is my mom, you can ask him too!”

“Okay, ask him”

“MAMA!”, Menma called from the living room, causing Sasuke to stumble back in from his room. “Is something wrong. Are you hurt? Are you feeling side-affects?”, Sasuke asked worriedly as he felt Menma’s forehead.  

“No! Inojin thinks you’re my Second Father, but you’re my mom right!?”, Menma asked, eyes glittering.

“Yes, I am your mother. Although our household doesn’t need such heterosexual normality”, Sasuke said ruffling Menma’s hair. 

The younger boy smiled. “Okay! Come on Inojin,  _the posters_!”. Menma dragged Inojin to his room, while Sasuke went to his own.

“Finally”, he said walking into his room, and locking it. He sat on his bed, and slipped his hand down the front of his pants. The bed still smelled like Naruto, and it was amazing.

**1:37 AM**

Sasuke wakes up from his nightmare, sweating and panting. He hates it when Naruto isn’t here. It’s the only time he gets nightmares as terrible as the one he just had. 

He can’t go back to sleep now, which sucks because he’d went to sleep at 10:00. Menma always stays up late when company is over.  He silently makes his way to the bathroom. 

He contemplates going on a mission, but rejects the idea since Naruto is also out of the village. One of them has to be in the village at all times, since they are what keeps rogue ninja’s away. 

He turned on the bathroom light and grabbed his tooth brush. It was then he noticed a small blue light glowing behind him. He disregarded it, thinking to himself  _I’m just sleepy._

He brushed his teeth groggily, not even bothering with his molars. Sasuke looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were barely open, and he had ‘I move around in my sleep’ hair.

**_FLASH_ **

**_BANG_ **

**_BOOM_ **

**_KWSHK_ **

All of a sudden he was in the Hokage’s office, toothbrush still in his mouth. He looked around, shocked at the ninja’s who were giving him a confused look.

It was the original nine Genin, along with Guy’s team. Sitting in the Hokage’s chair was none other than Tsunade, accompanied by Shimizu and Toto. 

Slowly, Sasuke started to understand his situation. “YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE INOJIN!”, Sasuke screamed at the ceiling. “And Naruto will be out on his mission for a week! I’ll be stuck in another part of time ALL BECAUSE SAI WOULDN’T WHERE A CONDOM!”, Sasuke yelled, waving his toothbrush in fury.

He looked at the visibly agitated and confused Hokage. “Before you all start asking a million questions: Yes, I am Sasuke Uchiha. I’m stuck here for the week so deal with it. I don’t have any space-time diseases and in like five seconds my son is going to fall in my arms”.

Sasuke held his arms outstretched, anticipating Menma’s arrival. 

**_PLOP_ **

The young boy fell into Sasuke’s arms, obviously still sleepy. 

“As ninja’s, you should be  prepared for attacks like that. Iv’e been here for exactly one minute and seventeen seconds and the only people in this room prepared for me to make a move is Kakashi, Aruma, Shikamaru, Neji, and of course Lady Tsunade. Don’t let the initial shock control you”, he said rubbing Menma’s back so he could go to sleep.

After he said that, the rest of the Genin assumed position. Naruto was the only one not ready to attack. “Y-you’re not Sasuke you l-liar!”, He screamed pointing his finger at Sasuke.

“I am, the only difference is I’m from the future  _because some little runt opened a time portal in my fucking bathroom_ ”, Sasuke said glaring at Ino. 

“This is defineitly Sasuke.  I can tell by his chakra patterns Naruto”, Kakashi said as he activated his own sharingan. “But what I don’t undertsand is why I’m sensing some other kind of chakra too. Something  more than a sharingan is in that eye of yours”, Kakashi said observently.

Sasuke immediately remebered his rinnegan, which was (luckily) hidden under some of his hair. “It’s something beyond your time. Under the Official Code for Ninja Timetravel and Other Related Acts signed by the Second Hokage, I am not obligated to tell you about it in any way, shape, or form”.

Kakashi scoffed, obviuolsy offput by the youngers knowledge of the law. Naruto held an angry expression, and although Sasuke hated to see the younger like that, he ignored it and turned towards Tsunade. “I’m a ninja, and part of the succession of this village. Coinncentally enough, I had a mission plan for next week to study our Hokage’s training, eating, and sleeping schedule. I’ll just complete it now while I am here”.

Tsunade scoffed. “I’ll write it down; you’re staying in solitary confinement for safety purposes”. Sasuke chuckled lightly, almost  _smuggly_. “I was talking about Naruto, because he’s a  _stupid_  hokage who claims he doesn’t ‘remember it’. With that being said, I need to locate my younger self in order  to study him too”.

Naruto’s face was  _glowing._  Literally.

Everyone else was shocked, well except for like, two people.

“I’M A HOKAGE! I-I DID IT”, Naruto shouted, jumping about happily. He pointed at KIba.  “I-IN YOUR FACE YOU DOG SHIT EATING BAG OF MOLDY SUSHI!”. Sasuke jokingly rolled his eyes. “Shut up dobe! You’ll wake Menma up!”.

Naruto smirked at the older. “So, tell me future Sasuke, do all the girls  _swoon_  over me?”, he said. “Sure, but there is this one guy”, Sasuke teased (lol but its true). Naruto pouted. “As Hokage, I ban you from teasing me!”. 

“Don’t be so rude Naruto, you’re in love with this guy!”

“I don’t like boys!”

“You kissed him, and repeated ‘I love you’ at least 12 times a day”

“Duckass!”

“But there was also that time you proposed to him, much before you started  _doing_  the  _do_ -“

“AS HOKAGE I BANISH SASUKE UCHIHA FROM THIS VILLAGE!”

Sasuke smirked. Menma started shifting in his arms, causing Sasuke to pause and rub  the youngers back again.  Unfortunately, Menma woke up anyway. 

“ _Mama_ , it’s too loud in here”, he said rubbing his eyes groggily. Sasuke patted his hair. “You’re waking my kid up, dobe”. 

“WELL YOU AND YOUR KID ARE BANISHED! I CAN BANISH YOU!”

Menma pouted, eyes still half closed. “Papa sounds like a baby Mama”. Sasuke cursed hiis life internally. 

Neji spoke up. “That child has Naruto’s whiskers, and Naruto’s eyes, and his nose actually”. Everyone internally gasped, and Naruto’s face turned fucking  _red_ , like a fucking tomato.

“N-no”

Menma turned around after hearing Neji mention Naruto. His eyes  _sparkled_ when he saw everyone. He jumped out of Sasuke’s arms. “Uncle Kashi!”, he said squeezing thee sensei’s legs. That kid had Tsunade levels  a strength. “You look like you did in the picture!”, he said picking Kakashi up happily. The olders face was purple. 

“And Uncle Lee, and  Auntie Ino, and Nurse Sakura, and NEJI!!!”. Menma jumped into Neji’s arms. “Mama everybody  looks like a baby!”. 

“Everyone in here is your senior, Menma. Get off of Neji before you kill him”. Menma hops off, smiling as bright as ever. “Remember what I said about going to the past after your birthday? Well, now it’s this week”, Sasuke said, picking Menma back up.

“I’m turning six soon Mama! You don’t have to pick me up anymore!”, Menma said pouting

“Are you sure? So if you get sleepy later, don’t ask me to carry you”, Sasuke said, pretending like he was going to put the child down. “N-nevermind!”, Menma said clinging to Sasuke. 

“I never expected  _Sasuke_  to be good with children”,  Tsunade said, leaning back in her chair. “So, tell us, who’s the mother?”.

Sasuke sighed. “Menma, wait outside while the  grownups talk. In fact  all of you go outside”, Sasuke said, putting Mnma down and motioning towards the other genin. “The jounin can stay, we need to talk anyway”. 

They all pouted, while Sakura and Ino basically  _drooled_  while walking out (Sasuke is still in his underwear and T-shirt remember). 

When the others were finally out, Sasuke placed a jutsu on the office so that they wouldn’t be able to hear through the walls. “Menma doesn’t have a birth mothe-“, Sasuke was interrupted by Kurenai.

“That child is Naruto’s, isn’t it”, she said smirking. “Y-yes”.

Kakashi’s eyes widened. “How does that work? I’ve taken you guys to the hot springs enough to know that you’re both guys”.

“Well, technically Menma isn’t a ‘person’, but more like part of a jutsu…but don’t tell him that”

Everyone was confused.

“We advanced Naruto’s sexy jutsu to the point where, in that state of course, he can perform the same acts a woman can-“

“Including child birth”,  Asuma finished for him.

“Don’t think I forgot you owe me 300 yen, Asuma”, Kakashi said. “I’m their Sensei. I knew they were going to end up together”. Asuma sighed. “No need to pay him Asuma, you payed him at our wedding 6 years ago”, Sasuke said, unphazed.

“My relationship with Naruto isn’t the reason I need to talk to you all”

“You have the floor, Sas _gay_ ”

“Sai already used that pun, although you haven’t met him yet”

“Well I-“

“ _Anyways_ , I need… _hrpf_ ”. Sasuke whispered the last word so quietly that it was barely a mumble. 

“What?”

“I need  _help_ ”, Sasuke said, repeated the whisper.

“Sasuke, we can’t hear what you’re saying”

“I NEED HELP!”, he yelled, startling the others. “Okay, okay. You didn’t need to yell”

Sasuke was  _irritated_.


	2. Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke is needs a break like uggggh
> 
> Menma being our sweet pouty Angel
> 
> Emotions? Can't deal like??? no???

Sasuke mentally screamed.  _This_  is part of the reason he left the village. Kakashi always hinted at the two being together, and although Sasuke  _did_  want Naruto, he didn’t want others intruding on their personal life! Especially when it concerns their  _sex_  life.

“No way in hell is Naruto a dominant Kakashi!”

“I know my students! Naruto is wild and crazy! No way is he letting  _Sasuke_  do the work!”

“Sasuke is brute! He’d never let anyone have control of him!”

“Menma calls Sasuke ‘Mama’ for a reason Lady Tsunade!”

“Honestly, I think they probably switch from time to time”

“STAY OUT OF IT KURENAI!”

***the entire SasuNaruSasu fandom in one convo lol***

Sasuke’s head was throbbing, a vein damn near popping out of his forehead. Sasuke said he had a problem and Kakashi automatically took it as a sex problem. Yeah, he was still sort of limping from a couple nights ago, but that was not the topic.

Then Lady Tsunade insisted that, if anything, Naruto should need help since he’s the bottom. This  _stupid_  argument broke out about who’s dick go’s in who’s ass (let’s just say Tsunade is a fujoshi and Kakashi is a closet perv with the hots for Iruka).

“CAN YOU ALL STOP DISCUSSING OUR SEX LIFE LIKE I’M NOT RIGHT HERE!”

Everyone shivered. Tsunade wanted to slap the absolute  _shit_  out of Sasuke for yelling, but stopped herself. He’d probably be in a coma for a week or two, which is more time than he had. Asuma and Gai hadn’t even said anything and they were shaken.

“Thank you! Now what is was  _trying_  to say was that I needed help with Menma”

“Help with your kid? How?”

“Boy stuff! Teach him all that boy stuff boys do and how to make friends!”

“Boy stuff that boys do? Real specific Sasuke”

“I mean like… he only has one friend! Most kids have at least 3 friends around his age, but he’s so…”

“Like you?”

“I had friends!”

“Naruto doesn’t count”

“If you don’t want to help, say so!”

“Fine, fine!”

“Good. I meant that I want Menma to trust people his age more. His only friend is this  _asshole_  of a kid I have to babysit every time Ino and Sai are out!”

“So your kid does have friends but- “

“No! He has a single friend that he goes to for everything. He doesn’t like talking to new people. The only others he talks to would be you guys and The Genin 9 and Gai’s team, grownup of course…excluding one or two people since he never got to meet them”

_So one of them doesn’t make it_

“And not only that, but he needs to be able to talk to others about his problems. Naruto and I weren’t able to do that so freely, which is why even now we aren’t living to our full potential”

“And how are we supposed to do that?”

“I don’t know! Just…let him get to know some of the younger academy students? Or…like, take him to a park or something so he can learn communication skills?”, Sasuke puzzled himself. He knew what he wanted, but he couldn’t find the words for it. 

“We’ll try our best, but with that being said, where will you be? Even if  _we_  trust you, that won’t guarantee you’ll be safe on your way to find your younger self that mission you said you had to complete”

Sasuke nodded.

“I understand your concern. Fortunately, I marked my usual outfit, which has my pins on it”

“Pins?”, Kakashi questioned. 

“Treaty pins. As an ambassador, husband of the Hokage, and savior of the modern ninja world, I received a pin from each village. They’re used for Ninja’s like myself who frequently travel under an alias and need a sort of ‘identity verification’ so the higher-ups in another village won’t jail me for trespassing and the like”

“I forgot about those! They haven’t been used since the First Hokage tried to establish peace among the villages”, Tsunade said, remembering her grandfather. 

“Many Anbu have them, well at least in my day”

“So you’re sure you’ll make it to wherever your hiding without getting hurt?”

“Tch. I’m tied with Naruto as the strongest Ninja to ever live. I’m sure I can handle myself”

“Okay, whatever you say Uchiha”

Later That Day

Sasuke stood outside of the gates, Menma clinging to his leg.

 “MAMA DON’T LEAVE ME!”

“I won’t be gone for long! Why don’t you play with Kakashi-sama! You always complain when he travels to other villages!

“But Mama!”

“Get to know your Aunts and Uncles! You always wanted to meet Neji!”

“I met Neji in spirit! I wanna be with you Mama!”

Sasuke sighed. He kneeled down, looking at his child. “Sweetie, baby, sunshine…This is important, okay? I can’t bring you with me because it’s dangerous, but I will leave a shadow clone here for you. Mommy promises he’ll be back soon”

Menma pouted, but he knew that Sasuke couldn’t stay and he couldn’t go. “Fine, but bring me some ramen when you get back. Oh! And can you get me a pretty blue kimono! I want it to look like Mitsuki’s shirt!”, the younger cheered.

Sasuke smiled, ruffling Menma’s raven locks. “Anything you want”.

He walked away, silently smiling as he heard Menma saying Goodbye. He didn’t turn back around, because he could feel tears welling up in his eyes that he didn’t have time for.

He didn’t deal with his emotions well. He could never let Menma see him cry. He could never yell or scream at Menma and make him feel like his efforts went unnoticed. He couldn’t do those things. He couldn’t let the world see him as weak. He  _wouldn’t_ let anyone see him like this. 

Tears pouting out of his eyes, because he’s just realizing that Menma is getting older. His only son would be joining the Academy. He would go through an emo phase and make friends that he’s embarrassed to bring around Sasuke.

But most importantly, his only son would grow up in a world at peace. He’d have parents that loved him, and family and friends and  _so many_  things that Sasuke could only wish for as a kid!

No way in  _hell_  would he admit it, but the emotion was there. Coursing through his veins. 

Through his blood.

Through his mind.

In and out his heart.

Pulling strings and making him feel things. He hates it, but he loves it.

Emotion. An amazing concept that even the toughest ninjas can’t run away from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goal is o udpdate a 2000 or more word chapter by wednesday (i have hella haikyuu fics i needa ketchup on my dudes)
> 
>  
> 
> my grammar? nuh uh takes too muh to mke words go fwooom babes


	3. The Devil Wears Persimmon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke encounters a whiny brat
> 
> _little does he know what the child really is_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to die so bad but I have to wait for season 4 of Haikyuu and for the world to finally understand how bullshitty Sasusaku is so...
> 
> **IMPORTANT**
> 
> Before reading, the Valley of the End is in between the Sound Village and Konoha, Persimmon is a color and a fruit, and make sure too comment if you don't understand something!

Sasuke walks through the woods, his only hand gripping his sword, even though realistically no one can pull a sneak attack on him. He’s a careful ninja, very careful.

He remembers this route. A long time ago, when he and Naruto were still genin denying their gay feelings, they walked this trail for missions. Standing far enough from the other because they aren’t gay (lol wait ‘till your older sasgay and nards).

He remembers trying to walk in the very front or back so no one would notice _it_. He was a boy! All boys have these problems! (Okay but honestly, Sasuke’s always had a boner problem like lol). Author that isn’t funny! Sasuke just happens to have a hyperactive dick!

He remembers trying to think of something brutal or gross when it showed up, yet the only thing that ever came to his mind was Naruto. Stupid dobe with stupid kitty whiskers and stupid blue eyes like the ocean and stupid blonde hair and a _stupid_ grin!

He laughed internally, remembering how embarrassing it was when Kakashi noticed why he kept walking weird.

“ _Um…Sasuke it seems like you have a little problem”_

He never wanted to kill a man more, especially when Naruto turned around to see what was happening. Luckily the blonde couldn’t see it. He glared at Kakashi harder than anything.

He remembers trying to subside his feelings, saying it was just misplaced and misunderstood love for the family he didn’t get to keep. “ _I don’t like boys. I don’t like anyone or anything. I’m just misinterpreting what I’m feeling. That’s all”._ He’d repeat those words until he fell asleep.

(the question is if he ever really believed it)

He caught himself dozing off, almost tripping over a broken branch.

 _Wait, this branch shouldn’t be broken since this forest has never housed animals_ , Sasuke thought to himself. He realized that there was a sudden masking of presence when he stopped. He continued, acting as if he couldn’t tell there was someone hiding in a bush should about 76 steps away.

This person was either a genin, or training to become one. He huffed. Rookies _are the worst_ , he thought to himself. When he reached the bush, a body leapt at him, holding a kunai.

“I GOT YOU, UCHIHA!”, the boy said, not realizing he’d already been put under the sharingan.

“W-what!”, the child shouts confused. Sasuke is more annoyed than anything; he doesn’t even bother to ask why the child new who he was already.

“Let me go!”, the child shouts. Sasuke rolls his eyes. “I’m going to be the bigger person and let you go, but if you continue to follow me I’ll treat you like an enemy ninja”.

The child falls back as he is released, grunting. “I’m Persimmon and I vow to capture and kill an Uchiha! You’re the only one nearby so you’ll have to do!”. Sasuke sighs.

“Don’t blow me off! I’m a serious threat!”. Persimmon can be so _aggravating_. “I know who you are kid! You’re the chunin who works with Sai as an apprentice!”.

Sasuke didn’t mean to sound so…so…so _deadly_ but his mouth just does that. He can see tears welling in Persimmons eyes. “Y-you _yelled_ at me!”, the boy cries.

Sasuke is _so fucking done with this goddamn bullshit like??? tiny child get away from me before I chidori you right in the fucking eye_

Ugh. “Listen…I have things to do so _please_ leave”. Persimmon shakes his head no.

“I-I *sniffle* w-want to *sniffle sniffle* GO WITH YOUUU!”. Persimmon is clinging onto Sasuke for dear life. “PLEASE UCHIHA-SAN!”.

In any other situation Sasuke would have said no, but he saw Menma’s crying face in that _tiny little rat Persimmon (which isn’t even a traditional Japanese name!)_. “Fine! But don’t wonder off and act like a ninja!”.

Persimmon smirked on the inside. _I’m traveling with a living Uchiha! Kurama’s gonna freak!_

And so as the sky began to darken, and Sasuke began losing his shit, they walked towards The Valley of the End…

_The devil in his blazing persimmon outfit along with an Uchiha…_

_A recipe for disaster_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK SASUSAKU IT IS LITERALLY _TRASH_
> 
> Anyways, to stop any confusion, Persimmon is a character my mom told me about when I was younger. He's a traveling devil who seeks out strong warriors to kill. He has a large fox companion so I decided it'd be cute to integrate my moms tales into this now! 
> 
> He will be 13in this fic *aka a walking ball of hormones and crappy jokes*
> 
> Persimmon won't be toooo important but he'll add some humor to Sasuke's adventure to see his younger self at Orochimaru's hideout!


End file.
